On the plus side…

Actually, there isn’t a plus side.

Watch at your own risk, suckas!

Time to punch a dude in the ballsack!

After all these years, I still LOVE this damn song. It gets me.

Where the hell is Meredith Brooks these days, anyways? For real, someone else do the research for once. I’m cranky and on my period!!!

No, you’re not stuck in a vegan nightmare. This is actually a Bieber face cake, made out of ground beef and bacon (precisely placed for that magical Bieber hair allure). I’m assuming the teef are onions and the eyes are olives? This is worse than Paranoid Activity 3!!! Totally creepy.

Something that isn’t creepy is the fact that JB is the first artist on Universal Music’s roster to ever donate a portion of the proceeds from an album (with his new holiday effort, Under The Mistletoe) to charity.

That’s pretty cool.

Learn more via Chelsea Lately below.

Coldplay has freshly released Mylo Xyloto, fully compacted with assorted reviews and spiraling vocals and lyrics, solidifying why they were, are, and always will be one of the biggest bands on the planet. I totally dug the single Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, and enjoy the album as a whole. But one track sticks out like a sore thumb – Paradise. It balances the perfect style of vintage Coldplay and the new electric style Coldplay. And if you aren’t sold on the song right away, just watch the video below. It features lead singer Chris Martin dressed as an elephant on a journey to find other members of Coldplay, also dressed as elephants. Yes, I comprehend it’s a bizarre concept, but somehow it works.

This track pulses with a tantalizing force. Fan or not, no one can deny that Coldplay always experiments into new realms of music, complete with color and diversity. It is buoyant and beautiful, yet still finds a way to match itself with the deep, slow, and evocative jams. From their own lyrics, ‘In the night, the stormy night, she’ll close her eyes. In the night, the stormy night, away she’d fly.’

Go on, and let the music consume you, for this could be Paradise.

Sorry, guys. Excuse me while I get a little ADHD…

This made me laugh so I thought it might do the same for you!

Oh! And BTW, WTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

The second video just felt random and appropriate. Duh.

Girls, listen up. You can’t always add “sexy” to every Halloween costume and make it work. Example: What are you? Oh, I’m an aborted fetus. A SEXY aborted fetus! See. It ain’t always cute. Please take note and save yourself the embarrassment of looking unsexy.

Hope no one thinks my sense of humor is insensitive. Just trying to be a good samaritan and help a few ho-bags out! Please don’t bitchslap me. Thanks.

Speaking of ho-bags…

W E R K M A M A C I T A!!!
(A girl after my own heart.)

50 Cent has officially launched his new energy shot, Street King. Fiddy’s goal is to provide 1 billion meals over the course of the next five years to children in need. With every Street King shot purchased, a meal is provided.

Unfortunately for me, caffeine turns me into a crazier tweaked out version of Patti Stanger from Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. So for the good of mankind, I abstain from ALL energy drinks! Well, 90% of the time. But I plan on buying a few and tossing them over to the homeless. Win/win!

Watch + sign up at streetking.com to support this wonderful cause.

Oh! And since I mentioned Patti Stanger, please watch the second clip! The dildo part had me on the floor! Hilarious NSFW awesomeness.

Some days I hate the internet.

This is NOT one of those days!

At first glance, I thought this was a midget sumo wrestler. I know that’s not PC but whatever — it’s the truth, so deal wid it! Then I pressed play and realized that this poor child has been watching way too many episodes of Jersey Shore, Taj Mahal edition. Or something just as ridiculous.

Yup. It’s pretty much awesome wrapped in bacon and dipped in chocolate.

Also, never shut down your Southern Hospitality restaurant because A. I like to get fat here on the weekends (hello, Southern fried goodness — it tastes like home!) and B. the “Mason Dixon” Red Velvet Cheesecake is better than sex. K? Thanks.

NSFW comedy + two recent NYC appearances (including a surprise performance at the above-mentioned Southern Hospitality in Hell’s Kitchen) following.